They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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