Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
