you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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