Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
