The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just gift wrapped bread.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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