you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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