next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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