Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
