You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
