before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
