need another drink. this is the easiest way
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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