i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
