We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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