i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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