What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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