Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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