Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
