i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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