was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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