Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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