Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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