1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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