I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
