her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
