The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
