guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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