Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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