this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
