i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
