you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
