My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize