one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
