Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
