I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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