My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
