I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
