Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
