turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
