mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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