my being single is dangerous.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
