He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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