first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize