Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
