Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
