Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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