Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
