Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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