Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
