and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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