I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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