Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
