so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Randomize
