Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
