I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
