i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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