First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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