I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
