God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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