Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
