the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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