I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
