my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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