I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
