we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
