he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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