I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
